funny quotes jokes
Living up to ideals is like doing everyday work with your Sunday clothes on. ~Ed Howe
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~Sam Snead
The greatest wealth is health. ~Virgil
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. ~Author unknown, commonly attributed to Benjamin Franklin
The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running. ~Author unknown, in reference to Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."
The lesson of history is rarely learned by the actors themselves. ~James A. Garfield
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. ~Robert Orben
Abortion... was probably regarded by the average Roman of the later days of Paganism much as Englishmen in the last century regarded convivial excesses, as certainly wrong, but so venial as scarcely to deserve censure. ~W.E.H. Lecky
To get to a woman's heart, a man must first use his own. ~Mike Dobbertin, quoted in A 5th Portion of Chicken Soup for the Soul
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. ~Curtis McDougall
Say this much for big league baseball - it is beyond question the greatest conversation piece ever invented in America. ~Bruce Catton Say this much for big league baseball - it is beyond question the greatest conversation piece ever invented in America. ~Bruce Catton
Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate! ~Sandra J. Dykes
It is human nature to stand in the middle of a thing. ~Mariane Moore, "A Grave," Collected Poems, 1951
If Galileo had said in verse that the world moved, the inquisition might have let him alone. ~Thomas Hardy
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. ~Sigmund Freud
Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. ~Pat Robertson
The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. ~Attributed to James A. Garfield
Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house. ~Author Unknown
There is a garden in every childhood, an enchanted place where colors are brighter, the air softer, and the morning more fragrant than ever again. ~Elizabeth Lawrence
Coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical. ~Jonathan Swift